


Everything to Live For

by Yeleli_tilki



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-10 11:00:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12910530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeleli_tilki/pseuds/Yeleli_tilki
Summary: Robert Sugden's hit rock bottom. His loved ones have given up on him and he's given up on himself. This story takes a look into the moments that lead Robert to make the decision he does and forces the people that love him to ask themselves why they didn't act differently towards him, when they still could have made a difference.





	1. CHAPTER 1 : I Don't Know

**Author's Note:**

> I literally picked up this first scene from a dream and I just... I just had to write about it. It made me cry and it gave me some serious feels. This story involves a suicide attempt so, if this is a trigger for you, please don't read it. 
> 
> Otherwise, I'll just warn everyone ahead of time: it's super duper angsty and sad. It gets better later, but for the first part it's just a lot of sad. You've been warned.
> 
> That being said, if you like angst, this could be the story for you. ;)

PART 1 : I'd Die for that Smile

CHAPTER 1 : I Don’t Know

She saw him fall… No. 

She saw him jump.

She was skiving, drinking with Gabby near the lake. And then something moved in her peripheral vision and she looked up at the ledge above them, the same ledge her brother’s car had gone swerving off of months before. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. She watched as the man stepped off the ledge, as he fell. 

She recognized him on the way down. She recognized him. Of course she did. 

Because she’d know that blonde hair anywhere. 

He fell slowly, like the entire universe was fighting to undo his decision, like the wind was trying to push him back up onto the ledge, like the air itself was thickening, was trying to slow his descent, to stop him from hitting the cold, hard water below. 

But the air, and the wind, and the universe… they just couldn’t stop it.

He hit the water with a thud. It sounded more like he’d hit concrete, really. And then Liv found herself running with strange lurching steps into the water. She heard herself screaming his name. She flailed in the water, moving towards the body, still and floating nearly twenty meters away from her, with sheer force of will. He wasn’t moving. Oh God, he wasn’t moving. She was there beside his pale form, flipping him so that his face was out of the water, and then toting him back towards the shore. She could see Gabby through blurry eyes, talking to the 999 operator on her phone. The water rushed over her ears and she could hear nothing but the crashing turbulence as she swam furiously towards shore.

And then she was there and her and Gabby were pulling Robert’s limp form, with all their might, out of the water. And then she was following the operator’s instructions, relayed through Gabby. 

Breathe. Damn it. Breathe.

Breathe.

Please breathe.

Please.

He coughed out water, his eyes rolling back in his head as he registered his other injuries. The ambulance arrived quickly. Liv and Gabby were shunted to the side as they worked over Robert, as they tried to put him back together. Because Robert, cocky, smug Robert… he was broken, wasn’t he?

* * * *

Liv rode with Robert in the ambulance. The EMTs hadn’t asked her any questions when she climbed wordlessly inside the ambulance, when she grabbed up Robert’s hand and held on tight. They arrived at the hospital and Robert was wheeled off. She fell into a chair in the waiting room and she stared at the floor, wondering why, wondering how, how Robert could have felt so low, so impossibly low, that he wanted to end it, that he could walk off a ledge, that ledge, without an ounce of hesitation. 

Her brother had broken things off. She knew that. And Robert loved her brother more than anything in the world. She knew that too. But she also knew that Aaron was being stubborn, was saying things like ‘never’ even though it was the wrong word, even though he would be realizing within a couple months at most that he couldn’t be happy without Robert, that Robert was the love of his life, that they were meant to be together. She knew that. 

So why didn’t Robert?

Why didn’t he know that Aaron just needed some time, that he just needed to put some space between them for a while, that he’d go back to him eventually? 

There’d been some kind of horrible misunderstanding between her brother and his husband. And now Robert had tried to kill himself. And she didn’t know if she’d managed to save him or not. 

She didn’t know.

* * * * 

Gabby must have called him. She must have called them all. 

First it was Vic, falling out of the elevator doors into the waiting room, her wide eyes landing on Liv, sitting stiffly in her chair, and her legs moving her forward to the front desk where she spoke with stuttering breaths, scared to death to know the answers to her questions. 

And then there was Chas, striding in with dark eyes, guilt-ridden eyes. She saw Liv. She came over. She sat down. And she didn’t say a word, her gaze trained on the elevator doors, waiting for when Aaron walked through.

Diane came, Doug at her side, supporting her as she too spoke to the nurse at the front desk. 

They all sat together, then, waiting for news, waiting for Aaron to get there.

And then he did, his face drawn with worry, with horror, his eyes seemingly sunken into his chalky-white visage. He ambled towards them in a daze, his tear-filled eyes focused solely on Liv. 

“You saw it?” He croaked, his voice scratchy with emotion. “You were there? You… you saved him?”

She could only look at him through blurry eyes, her head shaking back and forth. 

“I don’t know.”

END of CHAPTER 1


	2. CHAPTER 2 : He Couldn't Survive Without It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's POV 6 weeks before the incident.

CHAPTER 2 : He Couldn’t Survive Without It

(6 weeks before the incident)

Robert was indulging his newly acquired habit: walking aimlessly around town in those hours of the morning when no living thing should be awake. He’d first started to do it after that night with Rebecca, when guilt kept his mind from turning off and sleep evaded him no matter what he tried. Then, after Aaron got out, for those few weeks he kept his unfaithfulness to himself, he couldn’t stand the thought of missing out on a single moment with his husband, not when the truth could come out any second, not when he knew those moments were numbered. So, he kicked the habit and he laid awake for hours staring at Aaron’s face, trying to memorize what if felt like to lie next to him, what if felt like to have his love. But the guilt had grown and grown and he couldn’t lie anymore. He couldn’t keep the truth from Aaron. He couldn’t keep anything from Aaron. Not when Aaron trusted him so completely. He told him and, for a little bit, it seemed like maybe they might survive it, that his husband might fight for them even after what he’d done. But it had been too much in the end, too much for Aaron to cope with, too much for him to forgive.

Aaron kicked him out of the Mill, out of their home, and he found himself flashing back to that day with his father, to that day when Jack told him to leave and never come back. It was the only other time he’d felt that kind of crippling loneliness, the kind of loneliness that left you shivering with imagined cold, the kind of loneliness that dampened colors and flattened sounds and made everything in the world seem dull. So, he picked up his nocturnal habits again, whenever the ache in his chest from missing Aaron kept him from falling asleep, whenever that desperate loneliness made him shiver from a cold that wasn’t there. He’d wander around until his eyes drooped and he was too exhausted for even the throbbing broken pieces of his heart to keep him awake any longer. He’d go back to the B&B, sleep for whatever hours of the morning still remained, and then head in to work, the circles under his eyes even darker and more defined than they were the day before. 

No one seemed to notice, though, not that there were many people left in his life that cared about him enough to notice something like that anyways. It might have bothered another person: the fact that no one saw that he was struggling, that he wasn’t quite alright. But he was used to no one caring. Just because his life had taken a turn for the better the last couple years, just because he’d gotten a taste of family living, of what if felt like to be loved by another person, that didn’t mean he’d forgotten the cold, harsh reality of having no one. He was back to being disposable, to having no home, no family, to having no one at all that loved him. 

He remembered how to get himself out of bed every day, how to set goals for himself so he didn’t have time to dwell on unhelpful things, like feelings of regret and loss. But, for the life of him, he couldn’t seem to remember how to turn his brain off so he could get to sleep.

So now he was an insomniac, with nothing to do, and no one to talk to. 

He’d never felt more alone.

* * * *

The scheming at Home farm and getting revenge on the Whites kept him busy for a while. But then Liv got caught in the crossfire and whatever hope he still had of reuniting with his husband one day was smothered. Aaron was shoving him up against a wall, threatening him, any trace of the love he’d once felt gone from his eyes. And he was twisting his wedding ring round and round his finger praying Liv would come out okay. And then, after he found out she had, he sat in the hospital waiting room, staring at the colorless walls and wondering how on earth he was going to get himself out of bed in the mornings now.

His scheming continued, but this time he promised himself no one else would get hurt. There would be no more collateral damage. He’d realized what his mistake had been. Revenge involved making sacrifices. But he wasn’t the one making the sacrifices before; his loved ones were. Not this time. This time he’d be ensuring that, first and foremost, any consequences of his plot would fall back on him. If what he was doing blew up in his face, he was going to be the only one caught within the blast radius. No one else.

* * * *

He hated Lawrence. He’d hated him since the day he’d gotten invited to a job interview in the elderly man’s hotel suite. He wasn’t stupid. He knew what was expected of him if he wanted to get the job and it wasn’t the first time he did something morally questionable to get work, but it was the first time he’d felt truly ashamed, like he’d really fallen into the depths of human depravity. But he got the job and then he got Chrissy and, though Lawrence displayed outward hostility towards him from the day they started dating, he backed off. And the old man hadn’t made any advances towards him since. 

But now it was payback time, and he’d thought of a way to pay back both Rebecca and Lawrence at the same time… 

He drugged Lawrence’s drink, toted him upstairs, and set up the scene. When Lawrence woke up, Robert convinced the old man they’d slept together. At first, Lawrence was skeptical. Then he was a believer. 

Could Robert have seduced him for real? Yes, of course. He was Robert Sugden. He could seduce anyone as long as they were even the slightest bit attracted to those of the male persuasion. But, as he considered that option, the glint of his wedding ring caught his eye and, suddenly, the thought of sleeping with Lawrence felt like a betrayal. Even though Aaron was done with him. Even though he wore the ring out of a stubborn, one-sided commitment. Even though Aaron’s ring had long since been taken off and handed back to him. It still felt like the final nail in the coffin if he took it off, if he broke his vows again. It felt like relinquishing the final thing that connected them. He wasn’t ready for that final connection to be gone. He would never be ready…

So he faked it. And Lawrence ate it up like all his other lies. That’s when the real seduction started. Lawrence was putty in his hands. The old man was relying on him, confessing the depth of his feelings for him, and then he was wanting to go public. But Robert couldn’t have that. 

What about Rebecca? What about the baby? He’d said. Lawrence listened. He agreed to wait. But now things were coming to a head. Lawrence wanted more, wanted the physical relationship to progress. And Robert was faced with a conundrum. 

The old him would have done it in a second. The new him was handicapped by emotion, by that last crumb of hope lingering behind, long after it should have been swept away by reason. Aaron was lost to him, lost forever. He had to let go. He had to. 

And if his scheme was going to work, if he was going to get the revenge he so desperately craved, the revenge that was helping him maintain his sanity by giving him direction and distraction, he was going to have to go in for the kill. And sex was the best weapon he had in his arsenal.

* * * *

Had he always used sex as a weapon? Had he always used it as a tool, as a means to get what he wanted? No. Not always. But that day, that day no one but he and Aaron knew about, when his father taught him that sex with a man was an unforgiveable wrong, that was the day he began dissociating feelings and sex. 

That was when he unconsciously started to squash down the parts of him that he was told were abhorrent. That was when he became numb to the emotional attachment that usually went hand in hand with a physical relationship. And once he felt nothing, it didn’t really cost him anything to sleep with someone for money, for a job, for a place to sleep, because he wasn’t giving anything up. Sex meant nothing. He was completely indifferent towards the act.

Until Aaron, that is. That first time, in the barn, with Aaron, there were sparks. There was a connection, an emotional connection. And Robert hadn’t known what to do with it. It’d scared the living daylights out of him, really. 

The feelings, the emotions, that he’d buried for so long beneath his thick skin were suddenly exploding out of him, making him reckless, making him panicky. He was in love. But it took him a long time, too long a time, to realize. And he lost Aaron. Everything went belly up. He almost died. Then Aaron almost died. And then, somehow, he’d gotten a second chance. They’d found their way back to each other. Liv had come into their lives. They’d become a real family.

That family, his family, meant everything to him. 

But it had fallen apart. Rebecca, an insignificant fling he had no feelings for whatsoever, had managed to shake Aaron’s confidence. And then he’d let himself forget, for just a moment, that seduction wasn’t a tool in his tool belt anymore, that it couldn’t be. They’d kissed. She’d told Aaron. But Aaron had shaken it off and it seemed like everything was okay still. It wasn’t. He lied about where he was when he went to meet with Rebecca, to have a drink with his friend, because he didn’t want Aaron getting jealous over nothing. But Aaron had found out and, because he’d lied, it made it a thousand times worse. Everything blew up. Aaron blew up. He attacked someone, got sent to prison… 

Robert had wanted, more than anything, to be strong for Aaron, to keep everything going while he was inside, to be faithful and loyal and worthy of his beautiful husband. But when he’d visited Aaron that day, the day he was high out of his mind, the day he’d said all those vicious, hurtful things, that familiar numbness had descended on him once more. It clouded his mind like a fog. He was hurt and he was angry, but all of that was buried under the numbness. He wanted to hurt Aaron back. He couldn’t deny that urge lurking beneath the surface, but, more than that, he desperately needed to cling onto that numbness, to feel nothing, because the alternative was acknowledging that the love of his life was addicted to drugs, stuck in prison, likely to stay there, and, worst of all, had given up on their future together. So he used sex as a weapon, yes, but he also used it as a buffer, a buffer against the hellish emotional torrent threatening to knock down his levees. 

And now, now that Aaron was lost to him forever, the numbness was back. It had to be. Because he couldn’t survive without it.

END of CHAPTER 2


	3. CHAPTER 3 : If Only They'd Cared Sooner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chas's POV in hospital and 1 month before the incident.

CHAPTER 3 : If only they’d cared sooner

To say that it was touch and go, for most of the night and some hours into the morning, was a huge understatement. Robert was fighting for his life. Or, rather, the doctors and nurses were fighting in his stead. And, for a while, they were losing that fight.

Vic and Diane couldn’t resist bothering the nurse at the front desk for an update every five minutes. That’s how they knew: it wasn’t looking good. Apparently just getting Robert stabilized was a nearly impossible feat, let alone attempting to repair the damage. It’s like he was trying to die. Over and over and over again.

And none of them knew why.

He’d been okay, a little sad, a little off the rails, but still Robert. Chas had seen him not too long ago…

* * * *

(1 month before the incident)

She’d been meeting Paddy for a secret rendezvous in a hotel a little ways out of town. Okay, it wasn’t all that secret as Paddy had accidentally mentioned it, during one of his babbling outbursts, to Marlon, who’d mentioned it to Vic, who’d mentioned it to Charity… and so on. So it wasn’t so secret, but she was looking forward to it nonetheless. She’d been skulking behind a corner near their reserved room, waiting to surprise Paddy when he arrived, when she heard something from one of the adjacent rooms. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t.” She moved closer to the door, recognizing Robert’s voice, immediately wondering if Aaron was inside the room with him. 

“What are you talking about, Robert? We’ve both wanted this for a long time.” Another voice said, a familiar voice it took a moment for Chas to place. But then she did, her face screwing up in confusion and disgust.

“No, I… I’m not ready—“ Robert said almost too quietly for Chas to hear.

“You’re not ready?” Lawrence asked incredulously. “Robert Sugden isn’t ready for sex? Well, that’s a first isn’t it?” His voice lowered dangerously. “May I remind you that we’ve already surpassed this particular milestone. We already slept together.” Chas recoiled, staring at the door in shock. Robert and Lawrence? 

There was a pregnant pause and then Robert spoke. “That was different. We were drunk. We weren’t thinking straight.”

Silence. “Nice try.” Lawrence said, softly. “But I know you. I know what we both felt, what we’ve both been feeling the last few weeks. You don’t have to be scared. Take off the ring. Let Aaron go, like I’ve let Ronnie go. We can finally be together.” Chas held her breath, waiting for a decision to be made.

And then, in a whisper Chas could just barely make out, Robert answered.

“Okay.”

She fled the scene, then, not wanting to hear more. For some unknown reason, she felt sick to her stomach. Well, that wasn’t true. She knew the reason. 

Aaron would hate it. 

Her son, who deserved so much better than Robert Sugden, would be devastated if he ever found out about this. Because he was still in love. He might not admit it, not to her, not to Adam, not even to himself, but he was still entangled in that intense love that he and Robert shared. And, one day soon, she knew Aaron was going to change his mind, was going to realize he wanted Robert back, that he’d rather be living a messy life with love than an orderly one without. And Robert was the love of his life. She knew it was true. She wished it wasn’t, but she knew it was.

What was Robert doing jumping into bed with Lawrence White? He didn’t sound all that thrilled about it. She shuddered at that. What was Robert thinking? Why hadn’t he gotten out of there when he so clearly wanted to? She shook herself, making her way back down to the lobby to wait for Paddy. This wasn’t her business. 

Robert Sugden wasn’t her business. 

* * * *

That’s what she’d thought. That’s the exact thought she’d had as she walked away from that door. But now, as she sat in the waiting room with Liv and Vic, with her son, she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Robert Sugden was her business. She couldn’t help but wonder if, maybe, this entire mess was because too many people, herself included, had been calling Robert none of their business for far too long, had been leaving him to deal with his problems on his own, instead of giving him the support he needed, instead of stepping in and helping him. And now he’d done damage to himself that the doctors might not be able to repair. 

It was too late for them to step up, to offer their support. They’d let him drift too far away, let him become too isolated. He’d given up on them. He’d stopped believing anyone cared.

And now here they were, waiting to hear if he was going to survive this, waiting to hear if they were going to get a chance to show him they did care, to show him that he was loved. 

If only they’d cared sooner.

END of CHAPTER 3


	4. CHAPTER 4 : The Man Aaron Believed He Could Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's POV 1 month and then 2 weeks before the incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys!!! I got such nice feedback so far - thank you so so much! <3 <3 <3
> 
> The story has kind of an odd structure: it switches every other chapter from Robert's POV (at important moments leading up to the incident) to the various POVs of the people gathered in the hospital waiting room after the incident has already occurred. I tried to include timeline info at the beginning of each section to make all of that less confusing... but, anyway, I hope you enjoy the angsty angsty journey with me - thanks so much for reading <3 <3 <3

CHAPTER 4 : The Man Aaron believed He Could Be

(1 month before the incident)

He’d taken off his ring. He’d taken it off and felt the chilling iciness work its way through his veins, numbing every nerve ending, leaving him blank and cold and emotionless. It was easy to sleep with a man he hated after that. Sex was just sex once more. It was nothing. He felt nothing. 

At least, not at first.

But then he found himself lying naked in a bed with Lawrence White and all he could do was stare at the ceiling trying not to let the accumulating tears fall from his eyes. Why was he feeling like this? Why was he feeling at all? It hurt. It hurt too damn much and he didn’t know what to do about it.

He felt disgusting, like he was covered in a film of yuck he could never scrub off. It wasn’t a completely alien feeling; he’d felt something akin to it before, back when he’d been careless with his health and his body, when he’d been alarmingly cavalier about sex, when he’d viewed it as a means to an end and nothing more. But this felt different, this felt… abhorrent. All he wanted to do was scrub himself raw, make himself clean again, that, and get the hell out of there. 

But then what he had just done with Lawrence would be for nothing. And that thought made him feel physically ill. 

He just needed to stomach it a little bit longer, long enough to play the part of the doting lover when Lawrence woke up. Then he could do whatever he needed to do to erase the feeling of another man, a man that wasn’t Aaron, touching him that way. He just had to grin and bear it until he could make a clean exit. 

Just grin and bear it a little bit longer.

* * * *

(2 weeks before the incident)

But it was for nothing.

Because it all came out. After Seb was born, after he’d realized the damage he was doing, after he’d tried to do everything he could think of to reverse it, to make it right.

His scheming and scamming was unearthed by Rebecca herself and she was livid. She told him he’d never see his son again, that he’d lost the right to be Seb’s father. She kicked him out of Home Farm.

He came clean to Lawrence, told him all of it was a lie, every moment they’d shared. He told him they hadn’t slept together that first night, that it was a setup, that he’d never felt anything for him. 

Lawrence beat the shit out of him. 

He closed his eyes and let him do it.

Gerry found him, brought him to the Mill, and, somehow, he ended up getting his wounds patched up by Aaron. It was like a breath of air after a long, drawn-out suffocation. Aaron cared about him. Still. And knowing that was enough to get him back on his feet in the morning, to give him the push he needed to keep fighting for his son, to do whatever it took to make things right.

* * * *

(2 weeks before the incident)

He was trying to find them, Rebecca and Seb, not caring now if his pride got stomped on, not caring if he had no pride at all. He was begging Chrissie and Lawrence not to keep him from his son, begging with all his might. 

They told him Seb was better off never knowing his name.

He couldn’t give up, though, not on his own flesh and blood. He decided he’d keep going back there, he’d keep begging, he’d keep saying he was sorry, until they believed him. 

But a conversation he accidentally overheard the contents of through a cracked-open window, stopped him in his tracks and he felt his determination waver more and more the longer he listened.

“He lied to their faces, to all of our faces, for months. How could he use his unborn son to manipulate that family? All so he could line his pockets…? How could he, Diane? I don’t understand.” Vic’s sobs carried out the window. 

“Some people… some people just aren’t capable of being fathers, of putting others’ interest before their own.” Diane sighed deeply. “Robert’s always erred on the selfish side. He always has, even when he was young. Jack tried to teach him values, didn’t stop trying until the day Robert ran off on his own. But Robert… he just didn’t want to learn them, still thinks the world revolves around him.” 

There was a long pause and then Vic spoke in a sad whisper. “Maybe Seb’s better off.”

Robert moved away from the window, his vision blurred, his eyes aimed down at the ground. He walked with jerky, uneven strides away from the B&B, nearly tripping in his haste. He ducked into a side alley between two buildings and put his hands on his knees, letting the built-up tears fall in fat drops onto the ground at his feet.

Oh.

Even Vic and Diane had given up on him. Even his own family couldn’t forgive him, couldn’t find a single redeeming quality. He swallowed back the overwhelming feeling of desolation creeping over him, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and waiting for the tears to stop. Then he wiped his eyes and strode back out of the alley.

Were they right? Should he stop trying to find Seb? Should he abandon his son? Was that really the right thing to do? Was Seb better off without him in his life?

He massaged his forehead, his thoughts a jumble. 

But Aaron… Aaron still believed in him, still believed he could be a good father. He knew him better than anyone else. He knew about all the shitty things he’d done and he still believed he had good in him, had the potential the father a kid and not screw it up. 

And he trusted Aaron. His was the only opinion that really, truly mattered.

So he straightened his spine and walked on, determined to fight with everything he had left to be the man Aaron believed he could be.

END of CHAPTER 4


	5. CHAPTER 5 : I Didn't Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic has regrets. Liv confesses to Aaron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much everyone for reading and commenting! This story is structured a bit differently from my others so I hope you enjoy the somewhat unorthodox approach. I jump around in the timeline and fill in gaps as I go. I really appreciate all the feedback I've gotten so far and I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys think so please do message me with your thoughts/comments/criticism. I'm open to it all!
> 
> Thanks again for reading <3 <3 <3

CHAPTER 5 : I didn’t care

“Please, is there any more news?” Vic’s voice shook with fear. 

The nurse at the counter shook her head. “I’m sorry, ma’am. The doctors are doing everything they can; they’ll give you an update as soon as they’re able.”

Vic nodded, her whole person drooping unhappily. Diane squeezed her arm. “Come sit down, pet.” They sat, both of them staring at the floor, feeling useless. 

“Was there…” Aaron swallowed painfully, his throat sore from crying. “Was there any more news?” Vic looked up to meet Aaron’s red-rimmed eyes, half-mad with grief. She shook her head and watched the disappointment flash across his face. 

He turned to press a kiss to the top of Liv’s head, wiping away the tear that escaped down her cheek with his thumb. Then he went back to staring at the floor. 

Vic watched the whole exchange with wonder. They both cared for her brother so much. Liv was sitting there crying, even though Robert wasn’t with Aaron, even though he wasn’t a part of their family anymore. It was odd. 

And it made her feel extremely uncomfortable. 

How was it possible that this teenage girl, still a child in many ways, could still care so deeply for Robert after everything he’d done, after his selfishness and his scheming and his mistakes. Why was Liv sitting there looking forlorn and lost and desperate for news when she wasn’t even Robert’s sister, when she wasn’t his anything. Not anymore. 

She, on the other hand, she was Robert’s family. Diane and her were it, were all he had. They were here because, no matter how selfish and unforgiveable his actions may have been, he was still family and they could never abandon him when he needed them. 

But Liv and Aaron and especially Chas… they weren’t family. They’d left Robert, turned him away. So why were they here now? There was nothing tying them to her brother. There was no unbreakable bond that would make them overlook his wrongdoing and still be there for him in this way. It didn’t make sense.

“You three…” Vic piped up, discomfort loosing the words from her tongue. “You three don’t have to stay. Diane and I have got it from here. We’ll let you know when we hear from the doctor.” She kept her eyes trained on the linoleum flooring. “You should go home.” 

She could feel Liv, Chas, and Aaron staring at her, none of them uttering a word for a long while. Then Aaron finally spoke in an incredulous voice. “Excuse me? You want us to… leave?” He stopped, seeing the irritation that flashed across her face. His expression hardened and he glared at her now. “No.”

Vic flinched slightly at his tone, avoiding his gaze. “I just don’t see why you’re here.” Vic said, her voice cracking with emotion. “You were both so done with him. We all were. Of course, Diane and I are here now. He’s in hospital. He’s family and even all the messed up things he’s done don’t change that. But you three… aren’t his family. You’ve got no reason to stay.” She avoided Aaron’s eyes, her discomfort growing. 

“You little idiot.” Chas’s harsh words made Vic jump in her seat. “They are his family, just as much as you and Diane, more even. Robert chose them, chose to love them. And they chose him back. Of course they should be here. It sounds like you’re the one that shouldn’t be, saying things like that.” Vic opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off before she could. 

“He is our family.” Liv spoke softly, but self-assuredly. “We were mad at him about everything that happened and we pushed him away, but…” Tears dropped down her cheeks. “But he’s still… he never stopped being…” She choked up and Aaron squeezer her shoulder comfortingly, filling in the end of her sentence, his voice rough with emotion.

“He never stopped being part of our messed-up forever after.” Liv nodded in agreement, wiping her eyes roughly.

Vic blinked in astonishment, displacing tears of her own when she did. “I just…” She looked around at them all, ashamed. And then the floodgates opened and she began to sob. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to accept that he’s in here… he’s in here partially because of me, because I gave up on him, even though he’s my family, even though he needed me and he didn’t have anyone else. I’m his sister and I should have been there for him, even if no one else was, but I… I wasn’t.” She hiccupped and swayed in her chair. “You all being here, it just drove that home, that, if all of you can forgive him… I should have been able to forgive him too, before this happened, before he…” She covered her eyes with her hands, feeling Diane rub her back consolingly.

“You’re not the only one, pet.” Diane sighed.

Aaron, Chas, and Liv exchanged unhappy frowns and Aaron whispered unhappily. “We all let him down.” 

Liv pulled her hand out of Aaron’s, rubbing her chest where a tightness had been accumulating the entire time they’d been waiting. “I knew he wasn’t doing okay, that he was really upset…” She confessed in a wavering voice. “I saw him a couple days ago…” She peeked up at Aaron guiltily. His brow furrowed in confusion. Liv swallowed and continued, needing to get if off her chest. “I… when I texted Alex you wanted to see him and he came by.” Aaron’s brow furrowed further, uncomfortable with the direction this was going. “I was outside, down the street a ways and I saw… I saw Robert open the door and sort of… stop. I think maybe he walked in on you two…” Aaron gaped at her, thinking back to that moment, trying to remember if he heard or saw anything that would indicate Robert had walked in on him and Alex kissing. Liv continued, talking fast now. “I was worried he was going to interfere so I started walking over there…” She swallowed again, the sad memory choking her up. “But he just sort of… backed up and closed the door really quietly, so he wouldn’t disturb you guys. And he stood there for a minute, looking at the ground. And then he walked away looking all sad.” She wiped her eyes. “I should have gone after him. He wasn’t… I could tell he wasn’t right.” She paused. “But I was so mad at him still that…”

“I didn’t care.” 

END of CHAPTER 5


	6. CHAPTER 6 : It Didn't Change Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's POV a week before the incident and then 4 days before the incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone reading! My goal is to finish part I of this story before the end of the year so look out for another chapter or two in the next week. 
> 
> Happy Christmas / Happy holidays to everyone!!!
> 
> <3 <3 <3

CHAPTER 6 : It Didn’t Change Anything

(1 week before the incident)

He’d ordered the DNA test the night Seb was born. After he’d held his tiny baby in his arms and looked down at his beautiful face. He already loved him. He already did. And all he could think was: he needed to know for sure, to get rid of that niggling feeling always in the back of his mind telling him not to trust Rebecca’s word, telling him not to love that little boy, telling him not to get attached. 

He had just had another of his calls turned away by the Whites, another one of his desperate pleas, when his phone rang with the results of that DNA test. The lab tech spoke over the phone, told him what the test had concluded. And then his fingers went slack and his phone fell from his hand. He stood there, in the middle of town, staring down at it.

Not his.

Seb wasn’t his. He clutched at his chest as a sharp pain shot through it. 

Oh. 

Damn it. 

Tears began rolling down his cheeks. He wiped them away with forceful swipes, but they continued to fall, faster than he could wipe them away, so he ducked down a side street. He sat down, right there on the ground, and pulled his legs towards him, feeling small and alone and sad. So, so very sad. 

He was cold to his core by the time the sobs shaking his frame quieted. He’d been outside too long. His fingers and toes were numb. He couldn’t feel his face. So he trekked back towards the B&B, stopping in front of it, hesitant to enter. He’d been avoiding Vic and Diane since he’d overheard their conversation, but he needn’t have bothered. 

Because they were avoiding him too.

He sighed and opened the door, rubbing his hands together for warmth. He supposed he should tell them, tell them about Seb… The sharp pain shot through him again. 

Another loss. 

That’s what it felt like. Like he had lost another person he loved. Seb wasn’t his to care for now. He was someone else’s. And that hurt. That hurt like a knife through his heart. 

But it also meant there was a maybe, a maybe where there wasn’t one before. What did this mean for him and Aaron? What did this mean? Could he get his family back now? Was there a chance, now that Seb wasn’t his, now that there was nothing tying him to the Whites? He clung to the hope like a life raft. 

Maybe.

Just maybe.

* * * *

He wanted to tell Aaron right away, to march on over to the Mill and shout the news at the top of his lungs. He wanted Aaron to smile at him like he used to, wanted him to run into his arms and end this heart-wrenching separation once and for all. But he knew it might not go quite like that. It might not go like that at all. 

Aaron might just look at him with pity, tell him he was sorry for his loss, tell him it didn’t change anything. That possibility made him feel frozen with fear. If Aaron told him no now, now that he was more alone than ever, he didn’t know what would happen to him. He didn’t know if he could pick himself back up after that.

He was stuck in limbo, clinging onto a hope that was riding precariously on an unasked question, a question he was terrified to actually ask and find out the answer to. 

The what ifs, the maybes. They gave him hope. 

But having hope was dangerous.

Because it was something he could lose.

And if he lost hope now, what would be left of him?

* * * *

He hid for a while, avoiding telling anyone, avoiding seeing anyone, staying holed up in his room at the B&B. It was eerily silent. No one in all of Emmerdale seemed to notice that he was suddenly hiding himself away, that he didn’t go to work, that he didn’t go out to eat, that he didn’t talk to anyone for days. It made him sad. It made him ask himself why he was left with no one at all. Was he that bad a person that he deserved this isolation? Did no one care about him because he didn’t deserve to be cared about, not by the love of his life, not by his family? Did he really deserve nothing and no one?

With these thoughts running through his head, he curled in on himself, lying in bed, ignoring how his stomach grumbled for food.  
* * * *

(4 days before the incident)

It was only out of desperation that he finally forced himself to get up and leave the room, after days of eating nothing at all, of staring at the walls and feeling sorry for himself. 

He walked down the snow-covered streets with one arm wrapped around himself, trying to hold himself together, to keep himself upright. He stopped to eat, paying little attention to what he ordered, and scarfed down the food placed in front of him. And then he sat silently at his table, shaking with fear as he realized he couldn’t put off sharing the news about Seb with Aaron. It was crippling his ability to live his life, the maybe hanging in the air, the tiny hint of hope. 

He needed to tell him. He needed to know if this changed things.

Only then could he figure out what to do with his life now, now that he didn’t have a son to plan a future for. He might have a future with Aaron and Liv. And he might not. But he needed to know either way. 

He didn’t move immediately. It took a while. The light slowly faded from the sky as night crept up on Emmerdale. It was only when he took notice of the fact that he was sitting in the dark, that he had been staring at nothing, his mind spinning in circles with worry and fear and what ifs, that he finally pushed himself up from his seat and walked with stilted, hesitant steps towards the pub where he knew Aaron would most likely be at this time of night.

He approached the door, cracked it open, looked inside, and felt his heart break into tiny pieces. He stared at the sight of Aaron engaging in a passionate lip-lock with his new doctor friend, his eyes going glassy with tears. And then he stepped backwards pulling the door closed carefully and without a sound. He looked down, his breath coming in short, uneven bursts, his eyes leaking, his hands shaking.

Oh. 

Well, he supposed that was his answer then. Aaron was moving on, was really, truly moving on. Seb not being his… that wouldn’t change anything for Aaron. Of course it wouldn’t. Because Aaron didn’t break up with him because of Seb, not really. He broke up with him because he realized Robert was toxic, that their relationship was toxic, that it was hurting him. 

He’d realized that he didn’t want messed-up forever. He wanted functional. He wanted healthy. And Robert couldn’t give him that.

Robert forced his frozen feet to move, to walk him away from the Pub, to walk him away from Aaron. 

Because everything he’d done to get Aaron back, everything he’d lost in the process… 

It didn’t change anything.

END of CHAPTER 6


	7. CHAPTER 7 : He Just Couldn't Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's POV of the night before the incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here's another one. We're getting really close to the exact answer as to why Robert tried to end things. The chapters are going to get shorter as the POVs sort of... collide.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who're reading and who're leaving comments! You're awesome and you make me want to keep writing! 
> 
> Oh and in case anyone here is looking for more on my other unfinished works - there will be more - this one just sort of took over and I really wanted to finish part I of it before/at the same time as the Christmas episode week.

CHAPTER 7 : He Just Couldn’t Remember

“He saw Alex and I? You’re sure?” Aaron asked her in a strained voice. Liv nodded in response, her eyes downcast. He rubbed at his eyes roughly. “He just left without a word?” He peeked up at her, frowning deeply. She nodded again. He stared aimlessly at the waiting room wall for a while. “That really… that really doesn’t sound like Robert. Just walking out like that. The Robert I know, he’d make a scene, he’d walk right up to us and start talking trash.” His mouth pulled up at the corner with fondness at this, and then his frown returned in full force. “Why didn’t he say something?” He whispered the question to no one in particular, unhappily scratching at his wrists.

Then he stood up without another word and walked out of the waiting room and into one of the indistinguishable hallways of the hospital. He started striding with long, agitated steps along the maze of walkways like he had somewhere to go, but really he just needed desperately to be moving, to be doing something. 

Why didn’t Robert do something when he saw him with Alex? Why did he just leave it be? Did that mean Robert had given up on getting him back, that he’d really, truly let go? Aaron felt himself still at the thought, felt a fearful iciness work its way through his veins, his strides slowing down as he came to stand with his head resting against the wall. 

He’d told him to give up. He’d told him. Yet why did the thought that he really accepted the words hurt him so damn much? Why did it make him shake with inexplicable fear? He’d meant what he’d said. He’d meant it. He hadn’t been lying or trying to hurt his ex-husband. Had he? But then why, if he meant it, if he wasn’t lying, why did he feel this way now? Why did he feel like someone had dropped a ton of bricks into his stomach. Why did Robert letting him, letting them, go, why did it leave him aching and empty and desolate?

Hearing Liv’s version of events, he found himself inexplicably wishing Robert had stormed into the room and yanked him and Alex apart, had staked his claim, even though he’d asked him not to, even though he’d told him over and over to let him be. He really wished that Robert hadn’t. A tear rolled down his cheek.

Had Robert walking off that ledge, an image Aaron flinched at the very thought of, had it been because he’d given up on their future? Was that the final straw, the thing that broke his spirit? But why had he given up, so suddenly? The last time Aaron had seen him… he’d gotten beaten up by Lawrence and he was thoroughly beaten down, it’s true, but he’d left with a determination in his eyes, to find a way to be in his son’s life, to fix the trust he’d broken… And they’d talked, almost like mates, almost without the horrible, lingering awkwardness that had been present in every conversation they’d had since their breakup. Things hadn’t been looking up… but they hadn’t been quite looking down either. There was hope in his husband’s… in his ex-husband’s eyes. Wasn’t there?

So where had that hope gone? What had happened since that day that had left Robert so bereft, so alone, so unhappy? 

It was then that Aaron’s mind dredged up a blurry, out-of-focus memory from the night before, a memory previously lost in a haze of black-out drunkenness. 

He’d gotten the itch to go out drinking, not with mates, not with Alex, just on his own. It wasn’t something he usually did, ever, but he’d had the itch so he’d gone. He’d had one drink, then another. In the early hours of his night out, he remembered a bit about where his tipsy thoughts had gone: Robert. Of course Robert. He’d caught himself thinking about the way Robert’s lips felt on his own, about how Robert looked like a fallen angel at that perfect part of the morning where the first beams of light shot through their bedroom window and landed on his golden hair, on his sleeping face. He thought about that dreadful moment he’d woken up trapped in a sinking car, water levels rising, and he’d looked over at the man he loved more than life itself and, somehow, felt safe, as irrational and untrue as that feeling was, just because Robert was there, looking at him with that determination, that sureness… And then he remembered the frustration and the sadness start to set in as he was faced, once again, with the fact that he loved Robert Sugden, that he’d always, always love Robert Sugden. 

That’s when he’d thrown caution to the wind and gotten truly smashed. He didn’t want to think anymore. He wanted to drink until he couldn’t remember what Robert’s perfect face looked like, until he could erase the realization he’d just had, from his mind with an excess of alcohol. 

He was meant to be moving on, moving on with… his foggy brain stalled as he tried to dredge up a name… with Alex. Right. With Alex. Alex the doctor. 

He recalled wandering out of the pub then, walking with wobbly steps along the dark streets. His memory got really fuzzy, then, but he thought he could almost see a face, Robert’s face, swimming in front of his eyes, looking down at him with worried eyes. 

His eyes, previously closed in his effort to recall the hazy memory, now flew open in surprise. Had he run into Robert at whatever obscene hour of the morning he’d been wandering around in his drunken state? Is that how he had gotten home? Had Robert… had Robert been the one that brought him to the Woolpack so Chas could look after him? His eyes watered. Robert. 

He rubbed his temple, trying to remember more. What had he said? What had Robert said?

He just couldn’t remember.

END of CHAPTER 7


	8. CHAPTER 8 : He Needed to Stop Existing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert's POV the day before the incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone had an amazing Christmas <3 Feeling oddly cheered after the tearjerker Christmas episode - I feel like we've turned a corner in the storyline and the healing's finally going to start. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

CHAPTER 8 : He Needed to Stop Existing

(The day before the incident)

Robert was indulging his long-standing habit: walking aimlessly around town in those hours of the morning when no living thing should be awake. He walked and walked, trying to think of a new purpose. Even though his chest felt tight with despair, even though he felt a sharp, shattering pain with every beat of his heart, he pushed forward, trying to find a reason, any reason to wake up each morning and go on with his life, as empty and lacking as it was. 

It was in those early hours of the morning while he was walking aimlessly, that he turned a blind corner and nearly tripped over Aaron’s outstretched legs. He was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a pub’s outer wall, his feet splayed out carelessly in front of him, looking drunker and sadder than Robert had ever seen him.

“Aaron?” He asked, kneeling down by Aaron’s side and staring at his glazed-over eyes with concern.

Aaron glared up at him, his eyes coming into focus just long enough for the recognition to set in. “O’ course you’re here.” He laughed harshly. “The route of all my fucking problems.” 

Robert’s brows pulled together and he took a step back, asking in a worry-filled whisper, “Aaron…What do you mean? Did something happen? Is something wrong?” 

Aaron rolled his eyes. “I jus’ want to be happy. Why’s it gotta be so hard?” He hiccupped oddly. “You screwed everything up. An’ now I have to be happy without you ‘cause I… I can’t be happy with you.” He screwed up his forehead in consternation. “But you just won’t leave me the fuck alone. You keep showing up an’ talking about Seb this and Seb that.” 

Robert blinked away the tears in his eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry, Aaron. You’re right; that wasn’t fair to you. I relied on you when I shouldn’t have. It was selfish.” He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “But, I promise, I won’t bother you with any of that anymore. I’ll stop getting in the way. I… I want you to be happy, Aaron. Even if it’s not with me.”

Aaron shook his head jerkily. “You don’ get it.” He slurred. “I’m stuck ‘cause of you. I can’ move on.” His head lolled back, knocking into the alley wall. “Alex is perfect. He’s everything you’re not. Nice and kind and thoughtful. He’d never cheat on me. He’d never do any of the shit you’ve done. He’s good. So why can’ I just…” He made a wild gesture in the air with his hands. 

Robert stood frozen, listening to him speak, his body going cold with dread. He’d done this to Aaron. He was the reason he was sat out here in the snow, drunk off his head. He’d broken Aaron. His Aaron. He felt icy tears run down his numb cheeks. “Aaron…” He choked out the name, another apology on his tongue.

“Don’.” Aaron bit out. “Just don’. I don’ want to hear it. I don’ want to see you. I don’ want to be your friend. I want to move on with my life without you. Why can’ you give me that? Why can’ you, just one time, do something for me?” There was an eerie silence, then. Robert felt his heart split in two, felt his breath whoosh out of his body like he’d been punched in the gut. 

Aaron pushed himself up onto wobbly legs, stumbling forward. Robert caught him before he could fall, his body moving on instinct. His mind was still in shock. Was this how Aaron truly felt? He’d thought Aaron had come around, had been alright with having him in his life as a mate. But now, hearing Aaron’s words and looking back, it seemed like that was just what he’d wanted to believe. Aaron was too kind, too good to tell him to get out of his life, even if that’s what he wanted. The only reason he’d said it now was because he was too drunk to filter what he was saying. But this was the truth, wasn’t it? Aaron hated him, wanted him gone, had wanted him gone this entire time.

Robert pulled Aaron’s arm over his shoulder and half-carried him towards the Woolpack. He knocked on the door to the back room, waiting until he heard Chas’s footsteps before gently lowering Aaron to a sitting position. He slipped away then, not wanting to get told off by Chas, not wanting to have to look another human being in the face.

He hated himself. He hated what he’d done to this wonderful man that he loved more than life itself. He was scum, the lowest of the low. What the hell was wrong with him?

He stumbled back to the B&B, his thoughts weighing him down like anchors, dragging him into the blackest depths of his own mind.

* * * *

When the realization hit, he was sat alone in his room, wondering how he was going to survive this, wondering if he even could survive this. Because he had never felt pain like this before. Nothing, not all the tragedies throughout his life put together, could equal the pain he was feeling now. Was there life after love? Maybe. But was there life after true love? After the truest of loves? 

He knew the answer now.

Yes. 

Here he sat, alive, his heart still beating pointlessly in his chest, his lungs still inflating with air each time he took a breath. But was he living with any kind of meaning… No. Because nothing he did now, nothing he accomplished, would mean a thing. It was all so pointless. Every beat. Every action. Everything.

His mind kept flashing back to that moment when he realized: it was over.

Aaron was done. Done fighting. Done trying to piece back together their relationship. Done believing they were meant to be together. 

Done.

He’d ruined the only chance at happiness he was ever going to get. Aaron was the one, the only one. And now he’d lost him. All his good days were behind him. There was only pain and suffering ahead. That was all there would ever be now. Pain. Pain like he’d never felt before, pain ripping his insides to shreds, pain burning holes in his soul. 

When he walked out the door, when he finally did, he did it for Aaron. It was killing him. Being with him was killing Aaron. How could he stay? He was hurting him, the person he never wanted to hurt. He was destroying him. And, somehow, he couldn’t help it. Every moment he spent trying to hold on, trying to fix them, hurt Aaron even more. He couldn’t do a single thing right. Not a single thing. He had to go. He had to leave before he killed the man he loved.

So he’d left.

But, even now, he was still hurting him. He was intruding into his life with his lies and his mistakes and his regrets. He was keeping him from moving forward, from moving on. He was keeping him from having the bright, happy future he deserved. Leaving wasn’t enough. 

Because he was hurting Aaron, not only him, but everyone he ever loved, just by remaining in their orbit.

Just by existing.

So wasn’t the solution clear as day? If he really loved Aaron, if he really, really did… 

Then he needed to stop.

He needed to stop existing.

END of CHAPTER 8


	9. CHAPTER 9 : I'd Die for that Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert's POVs collide and things come full circle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it! It's very sad, but, if you've read all the way up to this point... you probably saw that coming... ;)

CHAPTER 9 : I’d Die for that Smile.

He’d returned to the waiting room, unwilling to miss any new news the doctors deigned to share with them, despite the fact that he was still rubbing circles in his forehead trying to jog his foggy memory with a frustrating lack of success. He was sure now that he’d run into Robert the night before and that sureness scared him. He’d literally been the last person to have talked to him before he tried to… before the incident. 

And he had no idea what he’d said.

He’d been drunk and sad and frustrated with his inability to move on, to move forward. And he’d been angry with himself for not being able to stick by his decision, by his own words. 

Never. 

Never ever. That’s what he’d said. It was hopeless for them. They wouldn’t get back together. Never ever. It hadn’t even been a full year and he was regretting the finality, the inflexibility, of those words. Why hadn’t he left room for the possibility that this could happen: that he could work on himself, get stronger, get stability in his life, and find that he did want to be with Robert, that he could be with him, now that he’d found a healthy way of coping with stress and less-than-ideal situations (such as those involving pregnant one-night-stands)? Why had he been so sure that he wouldn’t change his mind? Why had he spoken to Robert the way he had, when there was no way he could know how he’d feel after months apart, after trying to move on? How had none of this occurred to him before now?

How could he be such an idiot?

This is why Robert had been so stubborn in the beginning, had kept asking him the same question, even though he’d already given his answer. He’d been waiting to see if Aaron would have a change of heart. All this time that he’d kept his ring on his finger, he’d been hanging around, just in case. 

Aaron’s brow furrowed, remembering back to the day Robert had been laying there bleeding on his couch after Lawrence had beat him halfway unconscious. Had he been wearing his ring still? Aaron rubbed a hand over his chest, trying to ease the aching pain there. Now that he thought about it, he couldn’t remember seeing the familiar, comforting flash of metal glinting on Robert’s left hand. 

Had he taken it off?

It suddenly felt extremely important for him to find out. He stood up suddenly, earning surprised glances from everyone seated around him, and strode over to the nurse’s station. “Excuse me, did Robert Sugden have any personal effects on him when he was brought in?” The nurse frowned at him, seemingly hesitant to answer. “I just… Did he have his wedding ring on him?” He asked in a whisper.

The nurse sighed, reaching out and patting his hand comfortingly. “I’m sorry. He didn’t. He didn’t have anything with him, no wallet or car keys or identification of any kind. If your sister hadn’t been there to tell us who he was, he would have been listed as a John Doe.” 

Aaron’s face paled. “Why would he…?” He stuttered out the beginnings of a question, but the nurse saved him from having to finish.

“Sometimes suicide is a plea for help, and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes people just want to end it, just want to disappear, without anyone knowing what happened to them. If they don’t want anyone contacted, if they preplan the attempt, people will often purposefully make themselves difficult to identify after the fact.” She patted Aaron’s hand again, watching the tears roll down his cheeks. “I’m very sorry.”

He stumbled back to where he was sitting, everyone eyeing him worriedly. He just shook his head, not wanting anyone else to know what he now did: Robert wanted to disappear. He didn’t want any of them to know he’d done this. His final act wasn’t meant to hurt anyone, to cause any pain or regret. He just wanted to be gone.

Forever gone.

* * * *

He was in a daze as he planned for what he was going to do. It was all very mechanical. He packed up all of his things into boxes and loaded them into his car. He called his solicitor and set aside money for Vic and Aaron and Liv. And then he thought about Aaron, about how he would no doubt feel guilty if he thought he’d caused Robert to do what he was going to do. He thought about Vic, how she might be sad and hurt by his choice, even if she hated him while he was alive. So then he called his solicitor back and changed the documentation again. He wouldn’t leave his money and shares to them in the event of his death. Instead he’d give them over now, set up a fund they’d find out about later on, long after it was far too late to contact him to ask about why he’d left them money in secret. He knew Aaron would likely refuse to take it, as would Liv, but at least it would be there if they needed, at least he could go out having given them what little he had to offer. 

Aaron hated how he was with money, hated that he worked himself silly trying to provide, trying to earn. It was one of the only things his ex-husband honestly had never understood about him. But, of course, that was his own fault. 

He’d never told Aaron about his years away, never told him about how he’d driven out of Emmerdale with only the clothes on his back, a few bills in his wallet, and a half tank of gas. He had nowhere to go, nowhere to live, and nothing to live on. He drove till his car rolled to a stop and then he hitchhiked to the nearest city. He looked for a job and failed to find one. He ran out of money. And he found himself in a situation that he didn’t have the street smarts to deal with. So he had to adapt, to learn on the fly. He was at the bottom of the poverty chain, scrounging, begging, sleeping on park benches. He was dirty and skinny and struggling to survive. He quickly figured out that surviving meant letting go of any semblance of dignity. Beggars didn’t get to have any dignity. They were leeches, asking for handouts because they couldn’t make it on their own. 

Sometimes people didn’t give handouts, wanted something in return. He avoided those people when he could, but sometimes he got desperate, sometimes he gave them the only thing he had to give. But even though it was a trade, not a handout, it felt like giving up the last shred of dignity he had left, like he’d sunk as low as he could, like he’d hit the very bottom of the barrel.

He didn’t have any dignity for nearly six months before he found work.

He had to really strain his silver tongue to get the job, to talk himself up. He had to con his way in. He had to learn on the fly again, to pick up the job skills as he went. He was a good liar, always had been. It was really the only skill he had when he’d left home. He was good at acting arrogant, like he deserved everything he asked for, but he felt empty, numb inside. He learned that once a person gave up their dignity, once they lost it, they could never get it back. If he wanted the good things in life, he’d have to put on airs, have to wear a mask, because his real self was dirty and disgusting and worthless. He didn’t fully realize that fact before he was invited to a certain elderly man’s hotel suite for a ‘job interview’, didn’t fully realize for himself that he wasn’t building himself back up by moving up. He was only building a façade, a persona, a very convincing, arrogant persona. But he’d never be the same, he’d never be able to return from the depths he’s sunk to for survival’s sake. Lawrence had seen him for what he was, asked him for the only thing he was actually good for. 

His soul was dirtied, was sullied irreversibly. All he could do was make sure his outer-self had food and fine things, that he would never have to be so low and desperate ever again. 

All he could do was pretend he was whole. 

Chrissie was his bank, his golden ticket. With her he’d have everything he wanted. Money. Security. Food. A warm bed to sleep in. That was all he needed.

Until Aaron.

Aaron had made him feel again. And as the numbness receded, he began to want other things. Love. A family. A husband. A future. His chest had filled up with warmth. His heart had stirred in his hollow chest; his soul had felt cleansed by the love Aaron bestowed upon him. He wasn’t worthless. He wasn’t hopeless. He was someone again. 

He hadn’t been someone for so long.

But the deepest wounds to his soul remained. He still needed that security that money and wealth brought. Only he didn’t just need it for himself, he needed it for his family that he loved with everything he had. Aaron and Liv. They should want for nothing. They should never not have a roof over their heads. They should never feel pushed to do something to survive that they didn’t want to do. Not ever. It created a sort of desperation in him to provide. It bordered on maniacal, made him take risks with leading Rebecca on, made him work more than he should. Aaron had seen that and, not knowing where it came from, he’d assumed what anyone would assume: that Robert was overly obsessed with money, was greedy, was shallow. 

It was his own fault he’d never told Aaron where his mania stemmed from. 

It was his own fault.

* * * *

[“Aaron?” Robert’s anxious voice echoed in his ear.]

Aaron had his eyes scrunched closed, willing himself to remember with every ounce of his being the previously obscured parts of his memory. It started to come back to him in bits and pieces.

[“Aaron?” Robert’s worried face appeared above him.

He glared up at him, angry that even as tired and worn down as his ex-husband looked, he was still the most beautiful thing Aaron had ever seen. “O’ course you’re here.” He choked out a bitter laugh. “The root of all my fucking problems.”]

Aaron’s eyes snapped open to reveal the waiting room, his heart beating unevenly. He didn’t want to remember this. If the beginning of the memory was any indication, he’d been angry, he’d been lashing out when he spoke to his ex-husband. What if he was the reason Robert did this? What if the things he said were the trigger? He felt tears roll down his cheeks and closed his eyes once more. He needed to know what happened.

[Robert’s face dropped, the words visibly hurting him. “Aaron…What do you mean? Did something happen? Is something wrong?” He asked it so sadly, his eyes showing a very un-Robert-like vulnerability.

Something about Robert’s expression made him angry. You don’t get to be sad. You don’t get to make that face, not after what you did, he thought viciously. His eyes rolled as the irritation took hold. “I jus’ want to be happy. Why’s it gotta be so hard?” He watched Robert’s eyes tear up. What was that? Pity? He hated feeling pitied. It made him want to take his ex down a notch. “You screwed everything up. An’ now I have to be happy without you ‘cause I… I can’t be happy with you.” 

Because of that fucking baby.

The thought popped into his brain unbidden. His mind was in that scary place again, the place where he could actually hate an innocent newborn. It was one of the blackest, darkest thoughts he’d ever had and he hated himself for it. 

No.

He hated Robert for it. 

It was all Robert’s fault that he was thinking this way. This wasn’t him. This was Robert’s doing. He’d poisoned his mind, made him feel so bitter and betrayed. He wanted Robert to know that, to see how deeply he’d been hurt by what he’d done with Rebecca, to feel the same pain he felt every time Robert brought up his son. “But you just won’t leave me the fuck alone. You keep showing up an’ talking about Seb this and Seb that.” 

And Robert had looked shattered as he blinked away the tears in his eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry, Aaron. You’re right; that wasn’t fair to you. I relied on you when I shouldn’t have. It was selfish.” His voice was soft and pleading when he spoke again. “But, I promise, I won’t bother you with any of that anymore. I’ll stop getting in the way. I… I want you to be happy, Aaron. Even if it’s not with me.”]

Aaron opened his eyes again, feeling the wetness on his cheeks. 

Robert had given up on them. 

Not in that moment, but before that. There was something rehearsed about the way he said those words, like he’d been working up to saying them to him for days, like he’d made the decision to step aside before running into him in his drunk, mean-spirited state. He’d apologized. He’d said all the right things, that he’d give Aaron all the things he’d asked for. It was a peace offering and it was a question, a desperately important question. 

If I do better, if I stay out of the way, if I don’t talk about Seb, if I only exist in the periphery of your life, is it okay if I’m still in it? That’s what Robert had asked him.

And his answer?

[“You don’ get it.” He slurred. “I’m stuck ‘cause of you. I can’ move on.” His head lolled back, knocking into the alley wall. “Alex is perfect. He’s everything you’re not. Nice and kind and thoughtful. He’d never cheat on me. He’d never do any of the shit you’ve done. He’s good. So why can’ I just…” He made a wild gesture in the air with his hands. 

Robert stood frozen, listening to him speak, not moving a muscle, looking like he’d just been punched in the gut. “Aaron…” He choked, regret shining in his tear-filled eyes. 

“Don’.” Aaron bit out. “Just don’. I don’ want to hear it. I don’ want to see you. I don’ want to be your friend. I want to move on with my life without you. Why can’ you give me that? Why can’ you, just one time, do something for me?” 

And he watched Robert’s face crumple with pain, his gaze lowering, his shoulders hunching in defeat, like the last ounce of fight he had left went out of him.]

That was the moment, the vital moment, and he’d blown it. 

He’d done this. He’d put Robert on that ledge.

Aaron’s head was in his hands when the doctor finally came. “Robert Sugden’s family?” He looked up, his heart thrumming like mad in his chest. 

The doctor was frowning.

* * * *

He was looking down at the rushing water below, an eerie calm settling over him. This was it. This was his final moment, his final act. 

Wasn’t it fitting that the only selfless act he’d ever perform in his life would be his last one, like a comical salute to a selfish life badly-lived. 

His mind ran over his preparations one last time, checking to make sure he hadn’t overlooked anything. He’d taken a taxi to get there, so no one would find his car nearby. He hadn’t brought anything with him that could help identify who he was if his body was found. He hoped it wasn’t. With any luck he’d be washed away without a trace. 

He aimed a blank-eyed smile at the water below.

It was the perfect place for this, the perfect place for him to disappear. Sure, it would have been better if he’d disappeared earlier, the first time he’d gone into the dark depths below, if he’d saved Aaron, but died himself. He could have saved everyone so much heartbreak and pain. But he couldn’t go back and change the past. He could only do the right thing now and hope that the damage he’d already done wasn’t permanent, that it would fade away when he did.

His hand trembled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out two metal bands, his and Aaron’s wedding rings. He ran his thumb over their familiar shapes and kissed them each goodbye. He hadn’t worn his ring since the day he’d taken if off in that hotel room with Lawrence, hadn’t felt right putting it back on after that, as much as he wanted its comfort, as much as he still wanted to be bound by the promises he’d made when he’d first put it on. He had kept it with him, though, in his pocket, where Aaron’s ring had dwelled since the day he’d handed it back to him. And every day since, they’d clinked together as he walked, just loud enough for him to hear, reminding him of a love he was absurdly lucky to have ever come across. But now he was disappearing and he didn’t want the last evidence of the epic love he and Aaron had shared, to disappear with him. 

So he threaded a necklace chain through both rings’ centers and fixed the clasp shut, letting the rings hang side by side in front of him for a moment.

And then he let them drop into the water below, where he hoped they would remain forever entwined, forever together, the way he and Aaron were meant to be, once upon a time.

He took a deep breath, leaning over the edge, feeling his balance tip. He thought about Aaron’s face, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, when he really smiled. Maybe Aaron could smile like that all the time, once he was gone. He spread his arms wide, smiling a peaceful smile at the imagery, and he stepped off the edge.

He felt his body tip as his foot came down on nothing but air, felt the wind whoosh past his ears. And then he was falling in slow motion, the air screaming at him, the water crashing below, anticipating their reunion. Fear struck him in the chest as he watched the water come up to meet him, as he waited for the impact. But, right before he hit, Aaron’s smiling face flashed in front of his eyes. Aaron. His life, his love, his everything.

And he found himself thinking:

I’d die for that smile.

END of CHAPTER 9 & PART I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty happy with the way this all came together. I hope you guys enjoyed the references to canon I snuck in there ;)
> 
> This wraps up part I of the story. Part II is going to pick up right where Aaron's POV leaves off. I hope you guys will continue to follow what happens! Thanks for all your wonderful comments and for reading up to this point! <3 <3 <3


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